It’s not you, it’s me.
I’m just not in the mood.
These statements can be incredibly difficult to say or hear from your significant other. Even if they are true and coming from a sincere place. They can make you, or them, feel like there is something wrong or that you aren’t attracted to each other anymore.
While these statements may be true, physiology, not your relationship, might be the reason.
Are you finding that your relationship is fine, and you feel fine emotionally but don’t have any sex drive? This is where physiology comes into play – and we’re not talking about parts not working. We’re talking about the actual desire to have sex.
The body is wired to survive and reproduce – survival being the number one focus.
That means if there is an element of stress – and let’s be real, stress is large part of life today – then the body is going to perceive that as a threat. Sure, you may not have to run from a tiger or fight for your food, but your body doesn’t know the difference.
Any stress, whether it is physical, emotional, mental, psychological, or environmental, will put your body into fight or flight mode.
When this happens, it thinks that it is going to have to fight or run to survive. That pushes reproduction way down the list of current priorities. This causes a cascade of functions to be altered within the body.
When these processes happen, your libido is going to be completely switched off.
This occurs for a couple of reasons. First, your body thinks it must run or fight, therefore, there isn’t time to get busy between the sheets. Because if you do, then you aren’t paying attention to the perceived threats around you and that could kill you – or so your body thinks.
Second, the body looks at sex as something for reproductive purposes only. Not as something for pleasure. Since it is sensing that now is a stressful time, then it believes now is not a good time to reproduce, and therefore, the sensible thing to do it to switch off the libido so it isn’t even something that crosses your mind.
Whether you are the one dealing with the nonexistent libido or it is your significant other, remember that physiology wins every single day of the week – meaning physiology will trump everything else. Your body is hard-wired to survive. Your lack of desire, or theirs, genuinely may have nothing to do with you or your relationship. It may simply be the body focusing on trying to survive.
If you find stress is overtaking you and you don’t know how to manage it give us a call. We can help.
Or, reach out to me directly if you’d like to learn more about how physiology can impact areas of your life.
Written by: Jen Knutson, MA, MS
